Things that hurt.

I'm broken. He broke me. And I don't... know how. Or why. I mean...

I know I fell in love with him like I didn't fell for... any of them.
Because he's just... everything. He's stmarter. And meaner. And sicker.
And honest about... most of it. So that's more. He's more.
He's also the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

He's not right for me. So I'm not right for him.
And that's clear. That's loud and clear and doesn't make me love him any less.

I won't forgive him. It's not forgivable.
He'd never ask for it, no, but that's besides the case.
I won't forgive him and that doesn't make me love him any less either.

But it all keeps me on my feet. I'm on my feet.
And I'm trying. I breath. I do. I smiled today.
I'm standing, but I'm broken.

I smiled today and it was sick.
I recognize the feelings, the urges, but
I'm so much braver now. And I'll allow it, if I can have it.

I wonder when I got translucid. I'm transparent.
It's... all so painfully obvious. See-though.
But I'm... honest. And I'm at peace with myself.

So I'm standing, and I'm broken. And I'm at peace with myself,
because I'm not cheating myself. And I trust me.
Even if he doesn't. Even if she doesn't.

I'm lonely. And I hope I get to tell him that I love him, even though it won't change a thing.
I want the chance to say it. And I don't know if I'll get it, of if I'll take it.
And I hate seing the paralels. I hate that he's doing the same thing, puting me in the same place.
I hate him for not being able to take me. For not wanting to take me.
And he will always be my first Dom.
And I wish he were different. And...

And I wish I hadn't fallen in love with him.

I love you even though you're awful. I love you even though you're selfish, even though you've treated me like shit, even though you will continue to hurt me, knowingly.
I love you even if I'm mad and don't want to talk to you. Even if you seem to have changed personalities.
I love you even though I was dissatisfied. I love you even though you'd never give me what I want.

I love you even though I don't know if we could ever be happy together.
But I love you madly, deeply, whole.

I love you even though I've never told you.
But now it's all I can say.

I love you and wish I could give you the world. But I can't.

I love you and it feels like it's never gonna stop. Will it?

I don't want a second-best life. Mostly 'cause it's not a close second.

watching over the emtpy battlefield

So, insomnia. It kinda sucks. But
at least there are no dreams. Damn.

I though it would come eventually, but honestly I had forgot.
Without the despair, without the fear of what will come
when life doesn't seems to be crumbling anymore
or all the pieces have already fallen, waiting to be rearranged
(much like my bedroom floor)

Now I miss him. And now I can appreciate him.
Now it hurts in a much more subtle way, and it seems to linger on.

well hello, horribly pathetic world. it's been a while. do you hate me too?
would you let me in?
hell at least i'm trying something, as lame as it may be.
-
I actually want to just kick him in the face. Like, repeatedly.
With really high sharp heels.
-
god I'm so horribly numb. I actually can't see a thing outside me.
Me me me me me. Not fun.

expectations.

there's nothing stupider that expecting things from people.
they are for sure going to fail to live up to those expectations, every time.
it gets to a point when you don't even feel disappointed anymore
but it gets.. frustrating.

and sometimes you have to wish for somethings,
sometimes it's just becomes necessary to believe something is coming.
and i close my eyes and hope. and expect this is going to be different somehow.
this time, this person, this thing, it's gotta work. but it doesn't.
and you just add more people to the "not expect anything from them" list.

the thing with that list is, we don't ever learn. and that's the worst kind of disappointment.
the "i should have known better that get my hopes up".
so you go right back to choosing some random guy to distract yourself,
put too many things into that because hell, you have to put'em somewhere,
and that's how the fucking list reaches a thousand lines.

and then the person i least expected actually keeps his word,
and i learn nice surprises are still out there.

happy spring day

i knew already i wasn't the stablest of people
but two break-up's in less than 24 hours is a little too much, even for me.
happy spring day

so i left the boy (i kida liked, but..) for the girl (i spent all week wanting to kill her,
but still i did that, please explain)
the boy wanted out anyway, wich ¿what? fucking men are such cowards.
hurted my ego, but hell i bet i hurted his too.
so we're cool with that, you know, it was a good break up.

so i take a cab to my girl's house cause i don't wanna fight via internet, but i didn't really thought..
and she dumped me, cause she wants a friend, not a girlfriend.. which she's not getting anyway.
and it hurted like hell. that wasn't a good break-up.
it was the crying-hurting-don't-know-what-to-say kind of break-up.

so, basicly, i lost my boy to have fun with, my girl i fucking have feelings for, and my best friend,
all in less than 24 hours.
happy spring day.

still i ended up spending it with the person who loves me the most. and i love the most.
which was actually great. he was great. left me cry, sleep, made me coffee and toasted bread.
and i'm fine. i would be better with the girlfriend i want, but i'm just fine.
i still want things, amazing. i'm where i was some time ago, but whitout being in love whit my ex.
and i'll get by whit a little help from my friends, oh
i'll get high with a little help from my friends.

happy spring day.